You're Not Going To Believe This! (But I Did)
Crazy things fundamentalist kids believed (crazy, hilarious, slightly concerning, downright upsetting)
Sometimes I feel like I should start my newsletters with public service announcements.
I want to shout into a megaphone “if you’ve ever been personally victimized by a Chick tract, you may be entitled to financial compensation!”
If you’re wondering what a Chick tract is, I’d like you to do two things real quick:
Thank your lucky stars
Brace yourself, because you can never unsee what you’re about to see
Chick tracts are largely responsible for the extreme paranoia I experienced as a kid in fundamentalism. Don’t get me wrong, the hellfire and brimstone preaching also contributed, but nothing compares to flipping through a little booklet full of violently graphic imagery meant to compel you to surrender your life to Jesus (or else you may be impaled or fall into a pond full of snakes or get into a fatal car accident as soon as you put the tract down!)
I’ve included the pages of the most well known Chick tract below, so proceed at your own risk. This one is honestly very mild compared to some of the others where people are shown being impaled or bloody and beaten, eaten by venomous snakes or mangled in car wrecks.
Whew. I’m glad that’s over! I apologize for putting this in your inbox, but the context is necessary for what I’m about to tell you. If you’re still reading, we’re almost to the comedic relief part of this newsletter.
After mentally ingesting that little booklet as a kid, I took it very literally. That tract was gospel to me, and I really did think that God was going to broadcast all of my sins on an IMAX screen while the entire world ate popcorn and laughed at every sinful thought I’d ever had.
I was afraid of death, but not because I feared death itself so much as I feared God playing the full extended edition documentary of my life, complete with special features and director’s commentary. This was a real fear for me and it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized this wouldn’t be happening. As you can imagine, I as relieved!
Up until recently, I thought that my experience was fairly unique. I was wrong. I asked my Instagram followers to share things that scared them as kids in fundamentalism, and told this story of my own fear. The amount of people who resonated with my story blew me away. To be quite honest, we should probably start some kind of support group, “Ex-Fundamentalists Anonymous” or something like that. We can talk about our stories and use humor to cope. Maybe even have snacks and drinks; that could really be something.
Anyway, as I started reading through the childhood fears of my Instagram followers, I found myself both amused and horrified. Laughing uncontrollably but in a sad way, because it really is tragic that so many people believed things that were entirely untrue about God.
However, that doesn’t take away the hilarity of what I’m about to show you.
I’m going to share some of the funniest and most horrifying, because laughter is medicine, right?
So gird your loins, here we go!
Let’s start with sex, because why not, right?
One follower wrote in to say “I used to think that the way you got pregnant was by kissing…”
Oof. You’re in for a rude awakening, sister.
But wait! There’s more!
Another person said “I thought you could get pregnant just from being alone with a boy.”
Good news on this one, if you keep a King James Bible between you and the boy at all times, you’re guaranteed not to get pregnant just by being in a room alone together. But make sure not to hold hands, because, as one follower confessed “that might be a sin!”
Just when I thought I’d seen the worst, this response hit my inbox:
“I thought that God gave your husband a special key to unlock your vagina.”
What in the King James Men in Tights is going on here?
One poor soul wrote in to say “when my friend told me what sex was, I said ‘my parents would never do that!’”
Hey pal, are you sitting down? Because what I’m about to tell you about your parents may send you spiraling into an existential crisis.
Another girl said she thought she would get pregnant by sleeping next to a boy (just sleeping) and still another said that she thought pregnancy was brought on by sleeping on sheets that a boy had touched. Yet another believed that she could become pregnant by drinking out of the same cup as her dad or brother.
It’s clear that the sexual education department is severely understaffed at this time.
Some women mentioned believing that tampons took your virginity, so if we could wrap up this misinformation ASAP that would be great!
Moving on, here are some weird beliefs about the end times and/or rapture:
Several people said they thought they’d be naked when the rapture happened.
I feel like there are several movies directly responsible for this specific belief (I’m looking at you, Kirk Cameron.)
Another follower believed that if she died in her sleep, she’d be wearing her pajamas for all eternity, so remember to dress cute before you hit the hay tonight!
One girl confessed she thought Bob and Larry, the beloved tomato and cucumber from VeggieTales would be greeters at the gates of Heaven! Apparently Saint Peter has been replaced.
One girl said she thought that everyone would be a 33 year old male in Heaven, so that’s now a fear I haven’t experienced before and will be journaling about extensively.
Some even reported believing that a thunderstorm meant the rapture was at hand! Quick, get on the porch, it’s the Lord!
There were many false beliefs about alcohol, one of my particular favorites being that someone thought they would drop dead if they drank more than the provided amount of grape juice while taking communion in church.
I definitely remember thinking that it was impossible to drink any alcohol without getting blackout drunk.
One person said that they thought “since Jesus sits on the right hand of the Father, I’m going to hell for being left-handed!”
I have no words.
There are so many more sad and hilarious things I could have included in this letter, but I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you with them!
I hope you have been able to laugh as I did and see the beauty that comes from finding the truth after believing a lie.
That said, if you’ve got your own crazy or funny past belief to share, please leave a comment!
Wow, I completely forgot about the people that don’t believe there’s women in heaven. Only perfect 33 year old males.
hahaha these childhood fears people shared with you are so hilarious